25th
well
I have my 23rd birthday on Wednesday! Halloween is on Friday!
Elections are the Tuesday after next!
The stock market is rocking back and forth like a skiddish Titanic hellbent for an oversized ice rock and I’m feeling nauseous. But the Euro is now $1.25, down from $1.50 only weeks ago.
Did I mention I’m in Berlin?! Yeah,
things are pretty crazy.
I hate though, how life can get so small and monotonous and ridiculous when you don’t look at the big picture. I guess I’m a little more self absorbed than your average…
But seriously, I want to get rid of myself. Not like that, I just want to mold into something larger than myself or petty American values that I’m subjected to on a pretty constant basis here.
Because of language barriers and my current situation as a member of an overseas program for Americans, I just feel my patience wearing thin at times…
And now, from a email sent to a dear friend:
“I feel like I’ve learned a lot about myself here. But it comes in waves of ecstasy for being here and feeling alive, tempered with my own thoughts about why I exist, what I want for the future, and feeling self conscious about looking like a foreign asshole that doesn’t have their shit together.”
Really, I wish I could stop thinking so much because it’s getting in the way of my partying. Of course, it’s probably the other way around. This is a pointless rant. Nevermind.
I feel like the only times I enjoy myself are followed by deep feelings of sorrow and emptiness and sometimes all out despair. I wish there was a simple answer in overcoming this. I want a radically new life filled with purpose and substance but once I have this I know I will crave nothing more than superficiality, vanity and all other things vapid. What to do, what to do. I’m so confused.
